Cave Man Aphorisms

Things my husband has said to me

Photo by Krys Amon on Unsplash

I keep a quote list in my phone.

Not of profound or inspiring quotes by famous people.

I like to write down the absurd and hilarious things that come out of people’s mouths in everyday life. I have done this for over a decade and have a long list from various people (I always ask permission). I don’t usually write down anything where someone was trying to be funny. It’s the unintentionally absurd things that slip out that are my favorite. Naturally I’m exposed to a higher volume of these from the person I live with, who is, for good or ill, a self-professed proud knuckle-dragger.

I encourage everyone to adopt this practice. Scrolling through my list of forgotten statements that made me laugh years ago, from my favorite people, warms my heart.

And so, I give you Volume I of Things My Husband Has Said to Me:

• You know, I was really enjoying this, and you have to ruin it by looking at my face while I enjoy it.

• You’re the most annoying version of a patient person. You’re lethargically patient.

• I’m shutting this down right now — no more pushing pause. We have no show flow.

• I’m never the flight attendant in the fantasy. I mean, come on.

• If I could take all men, and put them in an arena, to counsel them. You know what I would say? It’s never okay. To button the top button.

• Will you please stop endlessly giving each other advice and actually do something?

• It’s funny how quickly you get used to having water shot up your ass. And the dryer is just the cherry on top.

• Just admit it. You’re powerless — POWERLESS! - to stop your flow of observations. You’re completely out of control.

• Male shame is really a terrible business model.

• Oh, sure, you think you’re so sophisticated just because you can’t lick your own butt.

• Get out! Because you get to enjoy what comes out of the kitchen, but you can’t handle the industry that goes into it.

• You have to have those boobs to have those thoughts.

• I’m not into humor after like 10:30. You know that about me babe.

• I just don’t picture a gay guy with a dog.

• This demographic is extremely susceptible to weaponized female asses. They’re toast.

• Well, I guess I kind of resent everyone, initially. You just resent them all eventually.

• If we ever get married, I want minimal to no ceremony.

• Okay, please may I concede defeat on a topic that you know absolutely fucking nothing about?

• The fact that society has turned its back on separate beds for married couples is a travesty.

• I way outrank myself in reputation.

• Of course I appreciate you. What do you think, I just married you for the tits?

• He’s a foot-smeller. He always has been. How do you not know that?

• They’re so fucked up they’ll rape a woman on a train in public, but not know what a vagina is.

• When I picture the inside of your brain and how it works, I think of an MC Escher painting. Mine’s like a Gary Larson cartoon.

• Man, you should publish these, I’m like the next Marcus Aurelius over here.